The Interwebz hath no fury like Dan Lyons stupidly giving up his fifteen minutes of fame and then having his man-crush on Steve spurned faster than the black mock turtleneck turning its back on Violet Blue. Even I used to moon on about what a brilliant satiricist he was. It turns out that he isn’t. He is just a garden-variety horse’s ass; no talent involved. Eat cheap hay and poop; that’s all there is to it.
He had us fooled because we were snookered into thinking he was brilliantly pretending to be the Orifice of the Century when impersonating Steve Jobs when it turns out that he was simply being himself but getting to pretend like he was someone else. Instead of impersonating young men to lure underage girls into illegal sex, Dan for some kinky reason got off on pretending to be someone who was actually smart and gifted only to degrade it into jackassery. That isn’t talent; its sicknesss.
What the heck was Newsweek thinking in hiring this boob? Dan is in fact actually worse than Rob Enderle, and I didn’t think such a thing was possible. He may even be worse than Paul Thurrott, but the dumbass jury is still out on that one. I think it depends upon whether or not he weighs more than a duck or something.
So why do I call the Cowardly Lyon a liar?
From ValleyWag (who actually had something worthwhile this time):
An audience member asks what Lyons thinks of the real Steve Jobs. “I actually really admire him,” says Lyons. “I wouldn’t want to work for him, I wouldn’t want to live next to him, I wouldn’t want to be in his family. What he does requires a hardness that I don’t think I could have. I feel affectionate toward him.”
compared to Lyons’ latest anal explosion:
See, in the world of Steve, it’s all about Steve. When he does go, he will be remembered as a tremendous genius—but also as a petulant narcissist with a grandiose sense of his importance and a sadly limited view of the world around him. Ironically, it is Gates, his archnemesis, who will likely go down in history as the classy one: the one who knew how to exit gracefully, the one who is devoting the later years of his life, and all of his billions, to helping the world’s poorest people—and not clinging to his CEO job while he insults reporters and plays petty cat-and-mouse games with Apple shareholders and fanboys.
IT, A Philosophy also has a great piece:
Dan Lyons, while a great satirist, is a piss-poor excuse for a tech journalist. Once again, he’s digging up Steve Jobs’ health and how Apple’s CEO is handling the successor issue poorly. Um, Dan, and the rest of you journalistic vultures, I completely understand that you went into journalism because you’re too stupid to do anything actually useful with your life. To you, Journalism is akin to Law, and I can see how if you had had the brains to go to law school you’d now be chasing after ambulances and shaking down corporations for mythical slights against humanity. I get it, really, I do. You see, kind of like you, I’m on one end of the intelligence spectrum. Except, it’s the exact opposite end. I’m too smart to have gone into journalism and ultimately work for a piece of *** rag like Newsweek. What happened, Dan, USA Today wasn’t hiring?
Three cheers for Lyons, the nations foremost leader in all things class! And a round of Boo’s for Steve Jobs, for having the audacity to stay on as Apple CEO when Dan Lyons clearly wants him to go.
If anyone has any idea why Lyons has a strong dislike of Jobs, please fill us in in the comments.
I’ve been filing a lot out of Macworld and will have more coming later in week from CES. (Groan.) Latest is “Macworld, MacBoring,” describing the sad-ass spectacle that was yesterday’s Macworld keynote by Phil Schiller and wondering, “Is Apple’s golden era over?” Left out of this article (because I filed fast) was the fact that despite the lameness of the keynote, and the lack of anything really exciting, there was no shortage of bootlicking fanboys in the audience, cheering over every little thing and sometimes moaning orgasmically. There’s only one word for this: scary. Even worse were the hardcore Mac hacks who were sitting in the press pool and cheering too. (While most of us were just bored out of our minds.) I’ve never seen hacks actually clap and cheer at a press event unless it was an Apple event. Also check out a post I did for Newsweek’s tech blog, “What would Apple be without Steve Jobs?” Twitter length version: Apple needs to do something about a succession plan.
Dan you quite simply suck. I was at the Keynote, and you must have been smoking crack. I certainly did NOT hearing this world-shattering cheering and bootlicking that you pulled straight out of your ass that you described. I witnessed good applause on some things which were pretty cool, and polite (something you know little about you classless festering boil) applause on things which weren’t terribly exciting. So you say you have never seen “hacks” clap and cheer at a press event unless it was an Apple event…. so? Your slathering report on the Palm Pre was really objective. Not. But anyways, Apple isn’t a typical company with a typical press base. Most of the “press” are self-confessed Mac fan blogs you freakin’ dumbass dork. Further, being the investigative genius you are, it must have escaped your razor-sharp powers of observation, that IDG lost control of the seating and a lot of people without Keynote press credentials actually were able to sit in that section. How do I know? I was one of the dozens. So how precisely do you know who was having self-love sessions you voyeuristic rat bastard?
The Cowardly Lyons shows some more class:
How bad was it? Let me put this as politely as possible. It was awful. Almost unbearable. Hacks in the press pool were sighing, groaning, checking e-mail on their BlackBerries and iPhones, not even paying attention. One of my fellow journalists sent me a message from across the room: “Shoot me now.”
The Keynote is available at the Apple site and on iTunes. It wasn’t awful, it wasn’t terrific; it is what most tech keynotes are. With very few exceptions, they are not earth-shattering events. I sat behind and next to these “hacks” you slander Dan and none of them were behaving rudely as you say. I think you and your one buddy are trying to justify your trashiness, and thus you libel others in your profession. Wait a second, what is your profession again anyways? And it is Macworld, not MacWorld dumbass. Doesn’t Newsweek have paid editors?
Newsweek columnist Dan Lyons, remembered as ‘Fake Steve Jobs’, the once comical satirist who penned the twisted blog “The Secret Diary of Steve Jobs”, returned to what he does best when he runs out of story ideas. Lambasting the real Steve Jobs in 500 words or less.
In his recent drive-by beatdown entitled “The Search For The Next Steve Jobs”, Lyons hurls hundred pound words like ‘petulant’ and ‘narcissist’ directly at Apple’s wildly popular CEO with the greatest of ease. Lyons knows too well the kind of media feeding frenzy that can come from serving up roasted Steve Jobs and he’s not ashamed to ring the dinner bell at will.
“See, in the world of Steve, it’s all about Steve. When he does go, he will be remembered as a tremendous genius—but also as a petulant narcissist with a grandiose sense of his importance and a sadly limited view of the world around him.” Dan Lyons writes for Newsweek.
Is Dan Lyons secretly trying to strike up a fresh bromance with Bill Gates by killing Jobs in the press? Or am I just missing the joke? His latest Noobweek hate mail comes off like a man desperate for attention. I suggest auditioning for that show Celebrity Rehab instead.
Steven Paul Jobs will be remembered as a true genius. Period.
And Lyons will be remembered as….. who were we talking about again?
And here is some great Dan roasting (and no he doesn’t taste like chicken, he tastes like eel ass) served up by others. My hats off to you commenters all over the world.
From
Fake Steve and Jim Goldman go at it…
I have been following Dan since he left and went to Newsweek.
I think he got his ass kicked out of Forbes and his bitterness shows through.
He slams Apple on any subject to a fault.He was great at FSJ, he sucks at everything else.
I just post Ass Hat in comments……I wonder if he even reads it.
He used to use “ass hat” all the time as FSJDan, you are the bleeding, opportunistic , vile ASS HAT.
I stopped reading Fake Steve Jobs because the guy clearly did not understand Jobs OR Apple. Dan Lyons is now Fake Dan Lyons. He’ll never find a shred of integrity under the rocks he has been upending lately.
BTW, Bill retired early to serve the poor because he is trying to buy his soul back. Good luck with that!
It’s quite ironic that a “journalist” whose fame is predicated upon his own “golden era” as the Fake Steve Jobs, an era that for Dan Lyons has ended and thus clearly Dan Lyons’ golden era is truly over, is now attempting to paint the company responsible for his claim to fame as also over.
No Mr. Lyons, Apple’s so called golden era isn’t over on the basis of one “boring” non-Steve Jobs keynote. But clearly yours is. Since you choose to go public as the Fake Steve Jobs, I don’t recall reading anything by you that was at all compelling or really even interesting.
Dude, get with your press buddy and just go shoot yourselves…I sat through the keynote but couldn’t quite finish your drivel…
“Mr Lyons, your remarks about Mr. Schiller and Mr. Jobs reflect a obvious character flaw you are burdened with. Perhaps, you should take some time and work on crafting a more civil rhetoric.”
Very good way to say it nicely. I will say it as I have every time I read your stuff now. ASS HAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Dan Lyons you are an idiot. Now I normally don’t believe in making things personal but you clearly have no problem with attacking people personally (your incessant blather about Jobs’ health and calling Schiller a Schlub spring to mind) so I figured you wouldn’t mind.
I wonder if the bosses at Newsweek realize how much credibility your pathetic columns destroy. Newsweek is becoming a joke of a ‘news’ organization.
Dan, you were once a good read as Fake Steve Jobs but that act wore thin and all that’s left is your no talent, idiotic rants.
I look forward to the day that you have no audience.
Hey Dan, Time to quit your day job!
For someone who makes a living of covering all things Apple exclusively, it seems hypocritical to ridicule the people who adore the company. After all, if it weren’t for them, nobody would care about your writing.
Talking about golden eras ending: Man, do I miss fake Steve! Real Dan sure is a shrill, annoying asshole in comparison.
Hmm. Typing in a squeaky voice there Dan. Oh, that’s right. Almost forgot: You lost your balls when your paymaster wasn’t happy with your comments on Yahoo.
Groundbreaking? No. But some great new products and technologies were shown. Things that nobody else has. But you can’t even mention any of that. You gave become such a douche nozzle it’s unbelievable.
Post a traffic graph dan, i’ll bet it looks a lot like the stock market
I love the Mac Daily News Take on both Dan Lyons & his employer Worthless & Weak… er, I mean Newsweek….
:
Dan “Hey, Look At Me, I Used To Pretend To Be a Famous CEO, But Now I Just Turn Tricks For an Irrelevant 12-page Second-Rate Newsweekly That Has To Invent Retarded Horseshit in Increasingly Lame Attempts to Attract Clicks” Lyons writes for NewsWeek.
Actually, compared to your posts / articles as RDL the keynote was amazing. Seriously.
Your “recent” stuff is just lame. I read through your FSJ stuff a couple of weeks ago and found so many brilliant pieces. Don’t know how you lost it but you finally got me to unsubscribe.
Sorry.
Why do you have to always be such a negative loser Dan? Fake Steve was funny. Real Dan is just a bitter loser trying to capitalize on something thats had its time in the spotlight and is now gone. Get a (real) life Dan and stop being such an utter tool.
No prayers have been offered in " dan the cowardly lyin’ – king of the orifi "
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